Humour for Lexophiles

For all of you who enjoy playing with words… this one is for you 😉 (sorry I just couldn’t resist, some of them or just tooooo corny!)

1. Ø I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Ø Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Ø Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

4. Ø The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

5. Ø The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. Ø To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

7. Ø When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

8. Ø The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

9. Ø A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

10. Ø A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

11. Ø Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

12. Ø We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

13. Ø When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

14. Ø The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

15. Ø The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

16. Ø The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

17. Ø If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

18. Ø A dentist and a chiropodist fought tooth and nail.

19. Ø A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

20. Ø A will is a dead giveaway.

21. Ø Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

22. Ø A backward poet writes inverse.

23. Ø In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

24. Ø A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

25. Ø If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

26. Ø With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

27. Ø Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

28. Ø When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

29. Ø The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

30. Ø A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

31. Ø You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

32. Ø Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

33. Ø He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

34. Ø A calendar’s days are numbered.

35. Ø A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

36. Ø A boiled egg is hard to beat.

37. Ø He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

38. Ø A plateau is a high form of flattery.

39. Ø Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

40. Ø When you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

41. Ø If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

42. Ø When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

43. Ø Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

44. Ø Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

45. Ø Acupuncture: a jab well done.

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