F/H: The Affairs…

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with  his secretary.  One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8  PM.  The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.  He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.  We had sex all afternoon.’
She looked down at his shoes and said: ‘You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.  They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and  delivered a healthy baby boy.  The joyful father rushed to the nursery to  see his new son.  He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife:  ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.  Look  at the  two beautiful daughters I  fathered!  Have  you  been fooling around behind my back?’

The  wife smiled sweetly and replied:  ‘Not this time!’

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.  He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about  to be cremated and made a startling discovery.   Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.  It must be saved for posterity.’
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home ‘I  have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

‘My  God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’

The  4th Affair
A  woman was in bed with her lover when  she heard her husband  opening  the front door.
‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’      
She  rubbed baby oil all over him,  then  dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t  move until I tell you,’ she said, ‘pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s  this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.
‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied, ‘the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this.  I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The  5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’
‘One  Cent?’ the man exclaimed.  He glanced at the menu and asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’
‘A nickel,’ the barman  replied.
‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’
The  bartender replied:  ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’
The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’
The  bartender replied:  ‘The  same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’

The  6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.  He looked up and said weakly:   
‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.
‘No,’ he insisted,
‘I want to die in peace.  I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’
‘I know,’ she replied,  ‘now just rest and let the poison work.’

9 thoughts on “F/H: The Affairs…

  1. Cordie dahlink a little bird told me something is it true? Do I whip out the pom poms?

    We always have to laugh at the sad bad things… like when Adam couldn’t find a leaf to fit, poor man!

  2. Yep, it’s jokes like these that tells me “See, you’re not bad at all. Look what they did!”.

    Don’t mind me laughing now.

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