No I was not paid to say that
Once upon a time I was chatting to one particular friend and it came about that the one word we said with incredible regularity was “sorry”. We both did. It got so ridiculous that we just stopped one day and said “Right the next person to say THAT word gets to write a post of the others choosing”. I failed yes. For the record though let me just say that I have written a post about this word called “The multi-talented “Sorry” … no brownie points? Kudo’s? Can I get out of this now? Please?
So you got it right, yes, the post selected for me is “I am a worthwhile person, who deserves love, friendship and kindness”. Cruel, how could you ever think that I deserve those things? I mean come on!!!
Truth is that if you talk to me either via IM or in person, ten to one if you don’t believe that above statement, I will help you to start believing in the truth of it. I will make it my silent mission to get you to believe each and every word of that line. That is just the way I am and I believe that is part of my life’s purpose, to get you to believe in yourself, to smile with your eyes again and to really live with purpose.
I said it was ironic ok. Oh boy this is difficult – consider this payback for all the trouble I put everyone through, all those really hard things. That woman has opened more than a can of Whoopass on my head here. Thank you. Enough stalling, now for the meat, *breathe*
I am a worthwhile person, who deserves love, friendship and kindness.
Such a simple statement and yet the words don’t roll off my tongue. When I say them out loud my tongue becomes tied and it just comes out goobledy gook. I am dead serious. Tell me, why should I believe that statement? Should I really practice what I preach? These are rhetorical questions.
Yes I am still stalling for some reason this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I will not blame any of this on my past nor on the people gone before but one does get acclimatised to certain trends.
If you grow up in a house that doesn’t eat fish ten to one you will not eat it.
If you grow up in a house where music doesn’t feature the chances of you not being all that interested in it is even higher.
If you you grow up surrounded by people who just don’t care, if you have never been shown unconditional love, ten to one you are going to believe that it is a myth, that it is will always be one sided.
If you are shown time and time again that people, humans, can’t be trusted you learn from young the different levels of trust, break the thread and you just get put into a different box.
If people promise things constantly and never deliver you realise that that is the way it works, you don’t count on anyone or anything.
My self worth, what I believe it to be and everything else that goes with it is conditioned much like a child kept in a kennel. The child learns to sit, stay, eat out of a bowl when told just like a dog. Although for me it was not literal it was much the same in the sense that I learnt from early on that this is just the way it is, this is human nature.
Self worth was never questioned, certain things just were. People can not be trusted. People only love you when you can do something for them. People will leave you if you don’t do as they say. Your body is for them not yours. You are not perfect. You are bad. People are selfish and look out for themselves. People don’t care. People will drop me just like a tissue in to the toilet bowl… those are the the lessons I have learnt and now I am in the process of unlearning them and learning a new set. I can not just flip a switch and the light comes on, it is a process. It is not easy.
Dang I am shaking
I love humans, I love my friends, I love giving freely not for any reason but because I can. I love unconditionally and I never expect anything in return. I will never intentionally hurt you nor go out of my way to make life hell for you. If you are my friend I will quite literally give an arm for you, would risk my life for you. Is that bad? That is who I am and who I will always be.
To some, those two paragraphs of what I have learnt and how I am may contradict, for me they just are. I can love you with my whole heart but at the same time I can not understand why you would love me, why you would want to do anything for me or be nice to me. This is wrong, I understand that.
I have been trying to recondition myself, not easy when the history gets repeated time and time again. My life has always been one sided, every time I started to believe that it wasn’t so someone went and proved to me that the lessons of the past were correct.
I am learning with each day that passes that people do love me for who I am. I am learning with each moment of the day that not everyone is bad just generally those people gone past. I am learning that others give without expecting anything in return. I am learning that some people do love me unconditionally. I am learning that I am not such a bad person after all, that I am worthy of other peoples love, that I am valuable in peoples lives and that I don’t deserve to be treated like gum under a persons shoe.
I am learning, I am scared, I am shit scared, but I am learning.
How does it feel to knock all these walls down?
It is like walking into the ocean without a life jacket and not knowing how to swim. At times I float and at other times I panic as the water goes into my mouth, at times it feels like I am drowning. Day by day that passes I am getting to know the tides, which waves I can trust and which ones are dangerous.
Without knowing it you help me, with your posts, your comments, emails and IM’s, you help me, each and every single one of you.
You challenge me, show me that not all humans are bad, show me that I can trust, that you do love unconditionally. You help me believe that perhaps I am not such a bad person, perhaps I am lovable, perhaps I am worthy… perhaps…
If you can do it, so can I, If Dave Pelzer can do it so can I, as Richard Branson says “Screw it, lets do it”
I am not scared of the demons within me, I am determined to face each and everyone of them, I will not run from them. Challenge me, I am open to anything and everything, challenge me!
Bring it on!
The photo my sister took of me up there really is symbolic in the sense of what it means to me, where I am and what I am in the process of doing. I am merging into the light, crawling, running, jumping, clawing my way from the darkness… I am becoming. Perhaps this image will now make more sense…