Slaying the Monsters

image
©2007-2008 ~staunchy

Self worth and love are interesting creatures.  When they aren’t present things  can turn nasty beyond our comprehension, the two silent killers.

Think Godzilla with a bit of King Kong mixed in with Anaconda and Winnie the Pooh (sorry Pooh Bear).

Monster 1: Nada-del-self-worth

I am not worthy of their love

I don’t deserve to be happy

I don’t deserve the success

The success I have is fake, don’t try, you’ll only fail

Self-depreciating comments to keep self esteem where it should be

Selflessness to the point of of self-murder

Self-harm in the form of eating disorders, mass consumption of alcohol, pills or anything else that takes your fancy

Monster 2: Self-love-el-deleteo

Thoughts of being pathetic and never making the grade

Hurting my body? No problem

I don’t care what you do to me

I will sacrifice everything

I am only lovable if you love me

I am no one without you

You deserve it not me, never me

… and so the list continues, perhaps these two monsters seem similar, they are twins in a sense.  One generally goes hand in hand with the other.  Both of these monsters are dangerous, both of them, especially when together, can kill you.  Murderers both of them!

Putting more worth in others than in ones self leads to the creation of the expectation that others will make us feel worthy.

The biggest lie in the book!

What ever makes us think that???

Sad isn’t it?

These monsters, two of the biggest in the species of emotion effect every waking moment of our lives.  Relationships suffer, finances can suffer, everything that has to do with living suffers.

Now this is where Pooh Bear comes in – when these two monsters are present they can make a person into a soft teddy bear. Yip, a teddy bear that can be kicked around and pushed to hell and gone. Nice? Hell Yeah.

Know these two monsters? Ever had to hunt them down and slay them?

Scary

Facing them head on brings out all your fears as if they are standing in front of you and pointing, prodding and sticking you with a knife.

Deeper and deeper, the more it hurts, the longer left to infect the harder to heal.

Oh boy did these two monsters get me good!

First they attacked my relationships, I am talking friendships and the “other-halfs”.  These two helped the fear-no-trust monster to annihilated any kind of relationship I had. Yip, how about that.  I am not worthy of their love, hell no, how can I be? These monsters played on my mind, they told me things like

They don’t really care

You must give more of yourself or they won’t love you

Do they really love me? I don’t believe them, why would they

They’re lying, no ways could they love me

I must do more, sacrifice more

My wants mean nothing

What I want doesn’t matter

What I like doesn’t matter

It’s ok, I deserved that beating

I deserved to be shouted at like that

I deserved to be taken advantage of

What else can I expect, this is me we are talking about

When these those monsters are present no relationship can succeed. This is a sad fact.

How can a relationship last if the one person is forever looking after the other but never themselves? Even when the other person in the relationship is giving their part, doing their part, if those monsters are present their actions aren’t trusted.

Soon the other person starts to feel claustrophobic and tied to a post in a non sexy way they will become controlling and perhaps thrive.  It then starts to go back to the snake, sometimes we feed them with our lack of self worth and love.  If we only water one part of the garden the other part will turn dry and barren both in our hearts and theirs.

Until we love ourselves and see our own worth no relationship will meet our needs, no relationship will be full or equal.  With those nasty creatures present we also have the tendency to take more shit on that any normal person.  I stayed 6 years with a cocaine addict because “they loved me”, deep down I was thinking “Who else could ever love me”.

These monsters don’t stop there though, they attack everything in life, any form of “living” they devour jaws and all. Money? That becomes monkey to them…

If I give freely perhaps they will love me more

I am going to spoil them so that they know how much I love them and then they won’t leave me

I don’t deserve the things that this afford me

I don’t deserve to live comfortably

I don’t deserve

If I give it to them maybe they will make me feel better

Maybe they will love me more

Care more

… and so it goes on

Those thoughts are normally all subconscious very rarely recognised for what they are.  This is a tough one, when does it stop being generous and become ridiculous? I think the answer to that is when you are broke and you still buy that DVD player for the barsteward at the end of the couch just to make them happy.  Barsteward is a unisex word, you fill in the blank.

I’ve had to ask a few hard questions recently, call it being on the cusp of the new life, call it what you want.  The past is now the past and the mistakes that lie there stay there only their lessons travel with me to this new chapter of my life.

My monsters are now lying on the floor flapping their arms, their powers slowly seeping out of every pore on their limp bodies.  They will own me no more, they will not possess my soul, my heart nor my mind.

Because I haven’t trusted myself, haven’t loved myself, seen any worth in myself I have always made a point of “beating” myself up.  If we love ourselves we look after ourselves, we do what needs to be done.

What I am going to do each day on…

Love myself

Accept who I am

Embrace who I am

Look out for me number one because no one else will

Find balance between giving to others and giving to myself

Live for myself

All it takes is a bit of love, a bit of loving oneself enough and then the rest falls into place.

A hard lesson.

If people don’t like this then they either fall in line or move out of my way because this is just the way it’s going to be.

Know these monsters I talk about?

Be careful and don’t let them destroy them

Get to them first before they have that chance

Love yourself and see what we see

You are worthwhile and amazing

You are!

10 thoughts on “Slaying the Monsters

  1. You know Audrey, as I was reading I was feeling sad for you but by the end, the only thing I have to say is,AND I’M STANDING UP AND CLAPPING because NOW you see it and can go from there. You KNOW your’ve loved and you KNOW your worth it 🙂

  2. Hmmm people only call me Audrey when I am in trouble? Thanks hun means a lot and yes I am coming to accept that people actually like me, the real me and they can love me as well… odd concept – well used to be 😀 Phew it is still foreign to say it thoughs!

  3. You said, ” I am coming to accept that people actually like me, the real me and they can love me as well…”

    Put us on the list of people who feel that way about you too. I’ve experienced that type of unconditional acceptance this year like never before…through another blogger who has been reading my “stuff” the past 12 months…all of it, the pretty and the not so pretty…then to top it off, she and her family STILL came to visit us earlier this Summmer…as she sat at our kitchen table I thought to myself…this person knows me better any anyone else on the planet (w/ the exception of my wife and eldest daugher) and STILL she wanted to come and meet me..It was the highlight of my year. Anyway, there is something very powerful and nurturing when people extend that type of unconditional acceptance to you. I’m hoping you experience that same gift in your life again and again this year.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s