F/H: New Work Policies

In all honesty some or perhaps most feel like this at work at some point unless they are fortunate to have found a company that actually cares about it’s employees.  A rare thing I find.  Probably one of the biggest reasons (that and office politics which I have no time for) why I left the cozy confines of the 9-5 lifestyle and took my self on the road of discovery and adventure.

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors (in writing) must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation’s or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Human Resources Department

10 thoughts on “F/H: New Work Policies

  1. Remind me never to approach you for an HR interview! 😀
    Actually, the second point u mention, the one about organs, is actually being practiced. Suppose I remove my appendix while being an employee, and then sometime later, I meet with an accident, the company’s insurance policy does not cover me because of my operation! Not my company, of course! I don’t wanna name names…! 😀

  2. LOL…loved this one :

    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Hehehe…Wish I cld tell my employees the same 😛

  3. These are pretty much the employment rules I have to work under! 😉 I am employed by my kids 🙂 and I think they think I am superwoman! I am happy to oblige though…

  4. Deeps I seriously feel sorry for your employees, all those souls that work under you, I pray for them now.

    A broad think its time to renegotiate with the other crime partner… more Bon Jovi and less mould! eeeek lol Darl you have had me in stitches phew

  5. If you are talking about the one about 12 years ago then YES! Bought Hubby and I tickets for our anniversary and he pretended to be sick so that he did not have to go with his wife. That did not stop me…went anyway without him…I think I see a post in there somewhere!

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