The Monster in the Lemon Tree

imageI seem to be having many adventures with this pooch, cute as can be but he  is strong like bull and, well, he is by nature a sleigh dog so you can just imagine.

Yesterday he decided to chuck all his toys off the side of our patio/veranda/stoop which borders a nice thick lemon tree and other bushy plants.  The house owners originally planted these bush/tree/monsters so that I wouldn’t fall off.  Those who follow this blog know that I am prone to such strange happenings.  Needless to say I did not fall off, no, I decided to crawl off instead.

So I got on to my stomach and did my best Army/Police Academy crawl off the patio just missing the branches (they were trying to attack me).  The gap is small and I am a big human.  As I start over the edge what does pooch decide to do? Yip you got it, he decided that I was playing with him and thought that my butt was the target, he bit down nice and hard.  Listen, it wasn’t as if I was purposefully shaking it about saying “bite me bite me”, it wobbles ALL on its own!

Naturally my reaction was to yelp and jerk away from him. Let me just say jerking away from a playful biting ass dog just under a thorny lemon tree is not recommended.  A mouthful of leaves and twigs later I reach solid ground once more.  I spat out the foliage and continued on my mission, retrieved the toys with a sense of accomplishment and returned to the gap to climb back through.

So here is where it gets interesting.  Yip, the pooch again.

Pooch was obviously worried for my safety and when I appeared once more in the “crack” between the bushes and the patio he got so excited that he gave me a big fat lick on my chops.  Normally I would not get a fright but what you must understand is that I was in the process  of pulling moves that would amaze world champion gymnasts!

imageThe fright of the lick sent me spiraling backwards impaling myself on the  lemon tree.  The lemon tree was so excited to see me that it then decided to attack me with its thorny talons!  A normal person would possibly be calm once they find themselves in the monsters grip but no, not me, I jerk breaking off it’s talons of thorns in my head.

Hearing a new language flow from my mouth the pooch now gets really worried and desperate.  He starts tugging me and doing his rescue thang by pulling me up and away from the monster lemon tree.  He obviously had a bad reaction to seeing me impaled and the whole rescue effort on his part sent him off the deep end.  He proceeded to see if I was ok by both licking me and biting down on my ankles and arms to make sure that they weren’t broken (or something).

Eventually free of both the pooch and the monster tree I sit down once more with a cup of coffee and the faint smell of lemons.  When I put my fingers on my scalp I started cursing the fact that I did not have the treasure map.  each time I put my hands though my hair I found another thorn embedded.  That THING had quite literally stabbed me laving proof.

So far I have found 6 embedded thorns, finished half a tub of that cream that pulls them out and a sheepish looking grin.

This is the secret of how I was attacked by the lemon tree monster and survived.  Let it try and attack me again and I’ll show it who’s boss!

No I can’t ask someone to pull the thorns out because

a) They will want to attack me with needles

b) They have needles

c) I know they will want to use needles

d) I have the thickest head of hair you probably have ever seen, it aint happening.

As for the bruise on my butt, well lets just say its a good thing no one see’s me without attire because it looks mighty odd and would most definitely bring about the most interesting of questions.

Holey heads with bruised butts, a day in the life of an adventurer!

… because I can’t get it out of my head since yesterday I now present to you Lemon Tree by Fools Garden… poetic yes?

I’m sitting here in the boring room
It’s just another rainy Sunday afternoon
I’m wasting my time
I got nothing to do
I’m hanging around
I’m waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder

I’m driving around in my car
I’m driving too fast
I’m driving too far
I’d like to change my point of view
I feel so lonely
I’m waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder
I wonder how
I wonder why

Yesterday you told me ’bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree
I’m turning my head up and down
I’m turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree

I’m sitting here
I miss the power
I’d like to go out taking a shower
But there’s a heavy cloud inside my head
I feel so tired
Put myself into bed
Well, nothing ever happens and I wonder

Isolation is not good for me
Isolation I don’t want to sit on the lemon-tree

I’m steppin’ around in the desert of joy
Baby anyhow I’ll get another toy
And everything will happen and you wonder
I wonder how
I wonder why

Yesterday you told me ’bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree
I’m turning my head up and down
I’m turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree

And I wonder, wonder
I wonder how
I wonder why
Yesterday you told me ’bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see, and all that I can see, and all that I can see
Is just a yellow lemon-tree

9 thoughts on “The Monster in the Lemon Tree

  1. EEP! I hope that bumbling mutt has learned better! (the dog about knocking things under the tree, not you!)

    Take care of yourself! And be careful next time you shampoo- if the skin is still raw you won’t want to rub soap into it.

  2. brilliant, brilliant, brilliant… I mean seriously, I can imagine that the incedent was sooo not funny… but the telling of it!!! I can just imagine… and then trying to keep a straight face in the office!!! bwaaahaaaahaaaa!!!
    Brilliant! lol. I’m sorry SF… but I just can’t help laughing!! At the story though… not at you….

  3. I’m so sorry to LMAO!! But really had I been there I would have peed my pants laughing!!! At the situation of course, never at you!!! Glad you made out alive and I’m sure your war wounds are something to be proud of!!! Oh SF you make me laugh!!

  4. Lindsey you would never believe it but I found another twiggy thing in my hair and I have brushed it lots! Yers I am actually thinking of getting dredlocks while it heals, watcha think? Yers I think it will look interesting indoods!

    Kwoneshe2 LOL aye we do seem prone don’t we but then we have more fun and adventures! Yers rescue dog still not recovered, actually he saved me from bee today, saw me doing funny dance because it was once again stuck in my hair and came flying through air. He pretty much gave me an 80’s hair cut in one sweep but alas the bee is in his tummy nows *shrug*

    Bojinx I bet you are coming up with all these weird things to rip me off with on Saturday huh huh PUNK??? Watchit I know round about where you live and I know people that know people that know both Mugabe AND Palin! Scary I know!

    Nikki just call me Spike Milligan because I do have spikes implanted much like antennas rofl I wish I could see me dang no video set up for this escapade and no, I am not going to re do it at alls!

    Joy guess what I did immediately afterwards that I didn’t put in post? One guess… oks can’t wait.. yip COOKIE calmed me right down quick stix like the ones in my head. Dang you should see that monster! rofl thank gawd no witnesses to either the biting or the lemon tree attack phew

  5. Vanessa you knows me LOL it was a close call but the tree lost, he is a bit sour now but that is ok he can just ma deal with it!

    Cordie ROFL wouldn’t that just be poetic justice, slaughter the fruit of the monster and use it on my wounds, I am healing well 🙂

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