A while back I wrote a post “Love who you are, just as you are!” talking about the eating disorder I had and how it came to be, how I had moved forward and the repercussions on my body.
It’s been a long journey, one that has been up and down for many years, I learnt different coping tactics and taught myself to enjoy a meal, a real meal, relearnt what meals I enjoyed and started actually eating. My focus was on eating healthy not binging and then hitting the toilet to get rid of it all.
My body took a serious hit from all the years of abusing it, the binging, the throwing up, the periods where I just wouldn’t eat. Because of what I did I now have endometriosis and Fibroadenomas coupled with fibroadenosis, the latter two the doctors say are in relation to the first. The first is apparently due to the fact that by abusing my body so much some of my organ functions changed, my system rewired itself to cope.
I’ve always told myself that these three amigo’s came to me so that I remember never to go back to that place, to never revisit my eating disorder or to make it a way of life ever again. They’re not too bad in all honesty they aren’t bad, they don’t affect my day today until they rare their ugly heads, they aren’t life threatening or dangerous unless they turn cancerous.
The only time they affect my life is in realty is through the fibroadenosis. I can be talking to you face to face and the next moment I am contorted in pain, it’s like a knife is stuck between my ribs and twisted over and over again. It comes and it goes, for two months now I haven’t had it so bad as that, just small knifes not the cleavers. Perhaps my system is finally working together and healing properly… rewiring the way it should.
The reason I am writing all this is perhaps to remind myself more than anything. Last night we had a neighbour over and she made comment on how little I eat. To me my plate was full, I had one piece of meat, sauce and rice, it was a decent sized plate but to them it seemed that it was little and the comments that were made when I didn’t go for a second helping got to me.
When I was asked why I don’t have more I responded with the simple answer that I was full, I really was. Her response was “Well I really am surprised that you aren’t thinner, I mean you never eat a lot and yet you are still a big girl”. I was shocked, I just stared at her with my mouth open, speechless. My mother came to my defence and told the woman that I have inherited the big hips of the family and because I am not tall like her I look slightly bigger than I really am. She really did try to defend me which I appreciated but I was still in shock with the fact that some people judge so easily.
I am not my ideal weight at the moment, I have 5 kg’s to spare, I’ll admit it. In the last two months I have lost only 4… yes 5 to go though I am not consciously doing it. I still fit into a size 34 even though I’ve picked up the weight, they just fit more snuggly than before although they are loosing up nicely. I try not to ever focus on my weight enough for it to become an obsession again and yet her comment disturbed me beyond reason.
It disturbed me because people have always deemed to tell me about my weight and what they thought of it. With out fail someone will always make a comment, normally I am thick skinned, now I am just sick of it.
The old adage of trying to look perfect so others like me I outgrew a while back, I rebel against it most times. If you don’t like me the way I am and for who I am then your shallow personality has no place in my radius.
There’s a soul inside this “overweight” body, a soul with a personality, life and love… if you can’t see that, your loss.
Do I exercise? Yes
Have I got an eating disorder revisited? No I am still “clean”
Am I losing weight? Yes, stress is the best diet
Am I on a diet? No
Next time someone makes that statement I will ask them about my soul, whether they think that is overweight as well…