How to survive a shark attack


1: Don’t swim in the ocean.
Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.

2: Listen out for the music.
In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the “daah-da, daah-da” chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3: Swim with people slower than you.
Try to surround yourself with slower companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4: Don’t go into the water without a knife.
This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the “decoy” is bleeding profusely…..swim for your freekin life.

5: Don’t panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won’t help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling

9 thoughts on “How to survive a shark attack

  1. If you still.. by some kind of reason – are in the ocean, the shark is coming without music(or you are deaf), all people swimming slower than you already abandoned you – or you don’t have a knife.. You should stick your fingers into the shark’s eyes as hard as possible. Less funny.. but more useful 😉

  2. During “tourist season” when we go to the beach, sometimes a small fish or crab will brush against one of our pale visitors. Man you should hear them. It’s like jaws is after them.

    I usually try to interact with them and tell them about my friend, who just last week….

    It’s a ball! 🙂

  3. SI Thanks huns, lol you get sharks over in Israel? I mean the swimming kind – other sharks are worldwide, kinda like a silent plague except perhaps not silent enough!

    Enreal I don’t swim fast anymore promise promise promise! Lol

    Kwoneshe2 LOL glad you enjoyed huns!

    Holeycheese, always good to know – I think it is my older brother who has gone shark diving along with a whole bunch of cousins – they like sharks, I am the adopted one in the family!

    Mssc54 ROFL I swear we so can never have a coffee together because quite literally I will be dribbling it down my chin the entire time from laughing! Wit dear man, wit, you have it!

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