F/H: Some Comedians Jokes

1. Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. -Jerry Seinfeld (on music)

2. Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -Red Buttons (on spanking)

3. I never met anyone who thought southern is the world’s most intelligent-sounding accent. None of us would want to hear our brain surgeon say, “Aright…what we gon’ do is saw the top of yer head off, root around in ‘er with a stick, and see if we cain’t find that dadburned clot.” You say, “No thanks, I’ll just die, okay?” -Jeff Foxworthy (on Accents)

4. I got into a car wreck when I was twenty-two. Hit a damn lake. I thought the road was slick. State trooper sloshing up to my car asks me, “Have you been drinking?” How many sober people do you know who slam into lakes? “No, I ran out of gas. I could have made it across with a full tank.” -Kenny Rogerson (on Accidents)

5. I became a mom six months ago. I adopted a highway. I’m trying to teach it to pick up after itself. -Nancy Jo Perdue (on Adoption)

6. I discovered my wife in bed with another man. I was crushed. So I said, “Get off me, you two!” -Emo Philips (on Adultery)

7. The basic beer ad: big-breasted babes in bikinis. Beer won’t get you babes. But if you drink enough, you think they’re babe. And if you drink more, you grow your own breasts. -Norman K. (on Advertising)

8. Just after my thirtieth birthday, instead of growing hair on my head, I now was growing it in places where I didn’t need it, like the top of my ear. A strand had sprouted there overnight and made me looke like something out of The Cat in the Hat. -Bill Cosby (on Aging)

9. I hate flying in small planes. In the airport you see, “Flight 109: Departures, Arrivals–Odds.” -Billy Crystal (on Airplanes)

10. Booze makes you loud. It’s written on the label, “Alcohol percent by volume.” -Mark Lundholm (on Alcohol)

11. We get upset when dolphins get caught in tuna nets, but no one cares about the ten thousand dead tuna. Because they’re not cute. Dophins, on the other hand, have that great round, smiling face, the friendly eyes, the bald head. They look like you uncle Marvin. We can’t slaughter anything that might show up for the holidays. -Paul Reiser (on Animal Rights)

12. If you look at a platypus, you think that God might get stoned—“Okay, let’s take a beaver and put on a duck’s bill. It’s a mammal, but it lays eggs. Hey Darwin! Kiss my ass!” -Robin Williams (on Animals)

13. I always wanted to be the last man on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me. -Ronnie Shakes (on Apocalypse)

14. I’m taking an art class and the nude model quit. Because I like to finger paint. -Wendy Liebman (on Art)

15. I’m paranoid. On my stationary bike I have a rear-view mirror. -Richard Lewis (on Attitude)

16. In some cultures they don’t name their babies right away. They wait and see how the child develops, like it Dances with Wolves. Unfortunately, our kids’ names would be less romantic and poetic. “This is my oldest boy, Falls Off His Tricycle, his friend Dribbles His Juice, and my beautiful daughter, Allergic to Nuts.” -Paul Reiser (on Baby)

17. I prefer balding men. Why would you want to run your hands through a man’s hair when you could shove your fist right into his skull? -Stephanie Hodge (on Bald)

18. I went into the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife. -Rodney Dangerfield (on Bars)

19. During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement. And wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over. -James Leemer (on Beaches)

20. I don’t understand camping. Maybe it’s because I’m from New York, where we call it homeless. I am not leaving my apartment to go lay outside. -Karen Williams (on Camping)

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