A little while ago I wrote An African Questioned… about all the questions I have received with regards to being African and growing up in Africa. This is part two to that “Interview”, An African in England Questioned.
Question: So are you finding England safer now, more relaxed walking down the street?
My Answer: Well the one thing is I don’t need to look out for lunch anymore, I mean there are no lions lying in wait for me to turn the corner. That said there are some really strange creatures walking around, seriously. Have you seen how bad things are here??? They don’t even know how to keep their rods up and under their animal skins, hanging half to the ground like they have sexy butts or something. My thinking is that these English people don’t have the right animals to hunt in order to get decent clothes, well this is what I think anyways.
Question: Do the trains scare you?
My Answer: Not at all though I am a bit disappointed in the fact that they are slower than my good old trusted cheetah express. Ah those were the days when you’d just hope on Cheetie and zoom overland in a heart beat, always on time and never on strike or breaking down. Man those were the days!
Question: How are you finding wearing normal clothes?
My Answer: Well it seems like Afreaka exports its animal skin soaked in diesel to the Europeans, who woulda thunk that it would be popular here huh! Normal clothes? They don’t fit as snug as my hides, not as tailored either though definitely cheaper phew. Do you know Armani?
Question: So what do you think of all the cool cars riding around on the streets? Must be so different seeing real cars…
My Answer: In my first week I managed to spot 3 bicycles, holy carambas have you SEEN those??? How people balance on them who knows, I mean surely it is a lot easier just hopping on a Cheetah or an Elephant, directing it to where you want to go, sit back and sip a pina colada while watching the scenery fly by? Forget those bicycle things, those four wheel contraptions!!! I don’t trust anything that farts out black stuff!
Question: How did you get here?
My Answer: Well it has been quite a journey to say the least! As is custom I prepared for weeks in advance making special meat packages with Biltong, raw meat spiced and soaked in fermented juice hung out to dry. Trick is to get it just right so that it still is a bit red when held up to the light, ah biltong, yum! Problem is though, this time the lion wasn’t so friendly when I went a hunting and for some reason it thought I was the new meat on the block *shrug’s and munches on another strip* Guess I showed him who’s the meat from the goose heh!
Anyways Biltong at the ready I then prepared my flight machine with fans, specially made wings created from ostrich feathers and the bone of a Rhino, put all the gears in place and packed my backpack. All ready to go I strapped my starter, probably known to you as a leopard, to the frame and kicked with all my might. Once he had reached top speed I released the catch and soared through the clouds above the plains of Africa.
It was a bumpy road thanks to the odd Bald headed Eagle thinking I was its long lost *ahem* mate. They didn’t understand why I was not one of them or interested in their baldness but needless to say they eventually got the drift of my feather protected legs.
I weathered hail and thunder storms, confused birds and flashing orangutans, finally crossing over the Channel between the frogs and the bulldogs. The frogs were scared and the bulldogs hungry but I got here safe and sound just a mere few months after leaving Afreakan soil.
Question: Have you managed to see or use a washing machine yet?
My Answer: Do I smell or something? I’ve been searching for a clean river for days now but to no avail…
Question: Can I post you something now that you are in first world?
My Answer: I am undercover and fear that a few of the animals back home may track me down and keel me like Jeff Dunham’s character… Yeah not pretty to say the least!
Question: You must really enjoy our Coca Cola or Fanta huh?
My Answer: What you call Fanta is rather interesting, I mean it’s meant to be orange flavour right but its like flavoured water on steroids, seriaresly eeew! The word orange belies to the fact that the product actually tastes like the fruit of orange… you know? REAL oranges? And just so you know your Cream Soda is a fake, uh huh, fake!
Question: Do you miss your mining days? Am sure you miss the cheap jewels and gems…
My Answer: Not at all, just before I left afreakan soil I managed to find 5 diamonds in my vegetable patch, shine them up and bring them along… wanna see? Oh and a few nuggets of gold to, right there in the stone sitting on my porch… such luck huh! If you want to get rich quick definitely head over to Afreaka, you won’t be sorry!
My Question: Do you know that we will never run out of gold?
Their Answer: No, why is that?
My Answer: Gold is merely fortified lion poop, over the years it gets old, hard and each time an animal walks past it marks its territory giving it the sheen you seen today on my beautiful golden tooth.
Ah the question one gets, none of these are current mind, think people are too wary of what they might hear from my mouth. That said I have had a few come close to the above but bit my tongue because they are the mothers at the kids school *shrug*
My sarcasm needs sharpening just to find a victim hmmm