A while back I wrote a post “Love who you are, just as you are!” talking about the eating disorder I had and how it came to be, how I had moved forward and the repercussions on my body.
It’s been a long journey, one that has been up and down for many years, I learnt different coping tactics and taught myself to enjoy a meal, a real meal, relearnt what meals I enjoyed and started actually eating. My focus was on eating healthy not binging and then hitting the toilet to get rid of it all.
My body took a serious hit from all the years of abusing it, the binging, the throwing up, the periods where I just wouldn’t eat. Because of what I did I now have endometriosis and Fibroadenomas coupled with fibroadenosis, the latter two the doctors say are in relation to the first. The first is apparently due to the fact that by abusing my body so much some of my organ functions changed, my system rewired itself to cope.
I’ve always told myself that these three amigo’s came to me so that I remember never to go back to that place, to never revisit my eating disorder or to make it a way of life ever again. They’re not too bad in all honesty they aren’t bad, they don’t affect my day today until they rare their ugly heads, they aren’t life threatening or dangerous unless they turn cancerous.
The only time they affect my life is in realty is through the fibroadenosis. I can be talking to you face to face and the next moment I am contorted in pain, it’s like a knife is stuck between my ribs and twisted over and over again. It comes and it goes, for two months now I haven’t had it so bad as that, just small knifes not the cleavers. Perhaps my system is finally working together and healing properly… rewiring the way it should.
The reason I am writing all this is perhaps to remind myself more than anything. Last night we had a neighbour over and she made comment on how little I eat. To me my plate was full, I had one piece of meat, sauce and rice, it was a decent sized plate but to them it seemed that it was little and the comments that were made when I didn’t go for a second helping got to me.
When I was asked why I don’t have more I responded with the simple answer that I was full, I really was. Her response was “Well I really am surprised that you aren’t thinner, I mean you never eat a lot and yet you are still a big girl”. I was shocked, I just stared at her with my mouth open, speechless. My mother came to my defence and told the woman that I have inherited the big hips of the family and because I am not tall like her I look slightly bigger than I really am. She really did try to defend me which I appreciated but I was still in shock with the fact that some people judge so easily.
I am not my ideal weight at the moment, I have 5 kg’s to spare, I’ll admit it. In the last two months I have lost only 4… yes 5 to go though I am not consciously doing it. I still fit into a size 34 even though I’ve picked up the weight, they just fit more snuggly than before although they are loosing up nicely. I try not to ever focus on my weight enough for it to become an obsession again and yet her comment disturbed me beyond reason.
It disturbed me because people have always deemed to tell me about my weight and what they thought of it. With out fail someone will always make a comment, normally I am thick skinned, now I am just sick of it.
The old adage of trying to look perfect so others like me I outgrew a while back, I rebel against it most times. If you don’t like me the way I am and for who I am then your shallow personality has no place in my radius.
There’s a soul inside this “overweight” body, a soul with a personality, life and love… if you can’t see that, your loss.
Do I exercise? Yes
Have I got an eating disorder revisited? No I am still “clean”
Am I losing weight? Yes, stress is the best diet
Am I on a diet? No
Next time someone makes that statement I will ask them about my soul, whether they think that is overweight as well…
vanessaleighsblog
•14 years ago
Interesting, it will probably be of no surprise to you that I also, had comments made to me on occasions by those around me about my weight; it was either that it looked like it was up, or down. Like that was all that people saw of me. The thing is, this last time that I lost the last few pounds that I needed to for healthiness, I have come to terms with it finally, as to what my weight status means to ME, no one else. That i don’t need to have some control over my body, I just need to be in tune with it. Look at it in a loving way, then, it really won’t matter what others say……… you deserve that sweets, to love the body that you are in, and be comfortable in your own skin, thick or thin…… Sending tons of love and hugs, sis….. Me
Amber
•14 years ago
Dang it, people have such F*CKin’ nerve. I swear. Honestly! How dare anyone say such a thing.
You know, Im 5’8. My body is voluptuous. No amount of diet will ever make me skinny. Im simply not built that way. Yes, I could lose weight. Im working on that. But I will forever be a “big girl”. My bones are built that way.
I have learned that men find me sexy no matter what I weigh. Its who you are… My concern really is health. That should be yours too.
Hayden Tompkins
•14 years ago
What. The. Hell.
Next time, could you please tell her “I’m sorry. I must have missed the part where that was any of your business.”
On a bright note, I can’t believe your mom was actually supportive of you. Baby steps, yes?
nathaliewithanh
•14 years ago
What used to be my best best friend is anorexic bulimic and has been since age 13. Today, she is 40. Still plagued by the disease and riddled with health problems. All her teeth are rotten.
I have always stood by her side, read the books, watched her turn to food at the onset of any situation which was out of her control.
Honestly, it got to be too much for me to handle. She is a highly intelligent woman whose life revolves around food… or what she is not eating. She is skeleton skinny yet she will insist on no-fat food, no butter, no sugar, etc. There is a point where you just want her to stop being so obsessed with herself. I know it’s part of the disease and I know it has more to do with control than appearance… but how long can you stand looking at someone self-destruct? How long can you watch someone base her entire outlook on life on a kilo or two that no one but her gives a shit about?
She is a psychologist.
Martha
•14 years ago
Well, that was definitely a weird, out of line comment. What I don’t understand is, since you mention size, how 34 can possibly be big. I mean, I am slim and I wear 38. At least, I THINK I’m skinny. Oh my God, maybe I’m fat and I don’t know it!!! I’m only kidding, but that is exactly how important it is — and how much is in our head. But that doesn’t matter anyway, because your body indeed does not define you. My question is: how do you feel? Is it enough food? Do you have energy? Can you sleep at night? (Dumb question, but… do you sleep less is maybe a better way to phrase it.) I’d hate to see you get caught up in that again. You used it once as a coping mechanism. Since then you have grown and learned so much, have become a strong young woman who can do incredible things. Now you have much better tools. Please stay in the recoveredbulimic club! It’s a great place to be. Even when things are rough. My heart goes out to you. You are dealing with so much! Funny, I’m a psychologist, too — like Nathalie’s friend. But I’d rather sing. Sorry, I don’t mean to reason and/or ramble on, I’m just kind of worried. You give so much to other people, now you need to give to yourself. IMHO
ilegirl
•14 years ago
Sorry to be judgmental … but your neighbor lady is a jerk – geez, a real fool!
34 is a good size. Healthy and not at all fat, or even implying big-boned. Not that it matters, but that’s the plain reality of things.
I like your resolution.
mssc54
•14 years ago
See, now being the smart… aleky person that I am I may have said something like…
I had another person say almost the same thing to me a while back and come to find out they just have “Fat Eye Syndrome.” It’s kind of like a TV camera making you look ten pounds heavier. People with “Fat Eye Syndrome” have a tendancy to see people heavier than they really are.
You should see an opthomologist before that spreads.
Fitch
•14 years ago
I feel your pain. I struggled with anorexia when I was a teenager (many, many years ago) but as an adult, I exercise daily and always try to eat healthy. And yet even now (I’m 40) if someone even breathes a word about how I look like I’ve put on a few pounds, I’ll immediately cut back on eating and increase my exercising just to lose a couple of imaginary pounds that I didn’t even gain. U.S. weights and sizes are different than yours so I’m not sure how mine relate but I’m 5’5″ tall and I weigh 115 lbs. (Not sure how many kgs that is) But I know I’m thin because I wear a size 2 and the only size smaller here in America is a size 0. (and yes, they do actually make such a thing! crazy isn’t it?) My point is … struggling with weight issues (or even the illusion of weight issues) will always be part of my personality. I am extremely sensitive about my size … and if I had been in your shoes at that dinner table, I would have probably excused myself to go cry in another room, away from prying eyes and rude mouths.
chloe
•14 years ago
your neighbour sounds like a heartless cow 🙂
i bet she’s just jealous of you!
i understand your frustation & pain; although i have never had an eating disorder as such, i have always been underweight
& people constantly (used to) make comments about how little i ate & when i would refuse dessert because i was full from dinner; people would say “why, are you on a diet..” (& then go on to laugh & look down on me)
it made me ill.
i have learnt over the years to say fuck it & not take anyones sly remarks
noone comments on my weight anymore, possibly becauses i’m only 4kg under weight so it’s not that noticeable or it’s purely the fact that i started saying in responce to any weight remarks about me being “sooo skinny” – “it’s great isn’t it?”
🙂 i like your blog & i am sure glad you found me xx
cordieb
•14 years ago
There will always be those idiots who no not what to say out of their idiotic mouths. I think you’re on the right track with your frame of mind for handling such idiots. You have a beautiful big soul; and yes that’s all that matters. Although it doesn’t matter, you don’t look like a big girl at all on your pics; and pics usually put 5 pounds on us. I think she’s just envious of you . . . I wouldn’t be sensitive to her insensitivesness – Next time tell her this, “The only thing that wants a bone is a dog.” “I’m not into attracting dogs, if you know what I mean.” Well maybe that’s a little mean; so we’ll stick with the soul response. LoL PLL, CordieB.
Joy
•14 years ago
I agree with everyone above. I wanted to say *F–K* her too but Amber beat me to it. I also love Hayden’s “how is this any of your business” comment. How can someone say something like this to anyone else is beyond me. Ignore her Sanity. It’s not even worth your time or your energy to react to an old cow. I maybe shouldn’t use the word cow because I do love cows.