Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but it’s definitely payback time! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m going to call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it).
So, here’s my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.
l. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man — maybe GI Joe. I’d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boy toy Ken. And, what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90’s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie” with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie” sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years — I think I deserve it.
Okay, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new doll next Christmas. It’s that simple.