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In Fun/Humour

F/H: Curry Contest

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F/H: Curry Contest Pin It

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NATAL CURRY CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no hope for you. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in Pietermaritzburg, South Africa.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 – SEELAN’S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY…

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) – Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY…

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 – SHAMILA’S FAMOUS “BURN DOWN THE GARAGE” CURRY…

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call 911. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting p*ssed from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BABOO’S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY…

Judge # 1 — Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very  impressive.

Judge # 2 — Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them

CHILI # 6 – VERISHNEE’S VEGETARIAN VARIETY…

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely

going to shit myself if I fart and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *ss with a snow cone ice cream.

CHILI # 7 – SELINA’S “MOTHER-IN-LAW’S-TONGUE” CURRY…

Judge # 1 — A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing – it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – NAIDOO’S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY…

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 – No Report

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13 Comments

  1. holeycheese
    •
    12 years ago

    There IS hope for me!! ;O) Though I mainly feel sorry for the 3d Judge.. =/

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  2. kwoneshe2
    •
    12 years ago

    LOL I saw one similar to this, but it was Texas Chili.

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  3. Joy
    •
    12 years ago

    OMG, you got me this morning Sanity…coffee has spurted everywhere! Give me more beer!!! LMAO!!!!!

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  4. SanityFound
    •
    12 years ago

    Holeycheese aye I feel the same mind I am like that with what most call mild curry!

    Kwonshe2 eeeeeek! Serials???

    Joy HAH! I gots you *does partay dance while eating more cookies* lol oks gonna try do that agains for sure!

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  5. Amber
    •
    12 years ago

    lol too funny!

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  6. angryafrican
    •
    12 years ago

    Aah… Good old Durban curry. I miss that. That stuff they call curry in England. Bunch of wimps. I had the actual Mother-in-law’s-tongue a few times back home. Home made of course. Curry spices brought down from Durbs. Bloody hell. That was hot. The cold sweats. The shaking hands. The tender toilet sessions the next day. I miss a good curry. Mrs H can’t eat the stuff. She thinks Mrs Ball’s is hot…

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  7. Amber
    •
    12 years ago

    ROFL – AA why is it that men would find that a pleasurable thing?? I mean.. to have one’s arse on fire shortly after one’s mouth makes me wonder about your sanity!!!!!

    I do love a good curry! Not one that would burn your mouth off though.. damn!

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  8. SanityFound
    •
    12 years ago

    Sheesh the other night I was sweating like nothing before, my lips felt like they were burning off and steam coming out of my ears…. It was one of the hottest things I have EVER eaten, to you it would be “mild” Tell the wife she is soooo right Mrs Balls is Hot (am addict)

    Amber am with ya sistah!

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  9. angryafrican
    •
    12 years ago

    Come on girls! You know men and their connection to a good… hum… fart. When we eat curry it feels like we have a jet engine!

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  10. SanityFound
    •
    12 years ago

    Yers now dear AA the problem with jet engines is that they propel YOU out of the room and away from the… hum… humhummer leaving it with us… much like a dodge and run scenario you see big BIG problemo there

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  11. deepsm25
    •
    12 years ago

    You asked for Currrryyy….come down to India…!! Every part sure is to spit fire 🙂

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  12. singleinct
    •
    11 years ago

    everytime i read this i cry with laughter!!!!!!!!

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    1. Sanity
      •
      11 years ago

      Your comment brought me back to this post again and now I’m cracking up again!

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About Sanityfound

Often known as a tad crazy I come from Cape Town, South Africa. Started travelling abroad at 16, lived in a number of countries, have gone to over 250 concerts & festivals and… Honestly I never feel more alive than when I am on an adventure, experiencing a new country or trying some wacky food!

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