For the record I do not like golf, I tried to play it once and I almost took off my own head. I managed to eventually hit the ball on my 11 attempt only to follow through a bit too much. The golf club connected with the side of my head and yes it was with a resounding thumb much like a tap on something that is empty. ~ SanityFound
Now for the jokes…
“A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. ”
“I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s arse. Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”
“I don’t remember much after that …”
A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question: ‘Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?’ she asked the instructor. ‘P-u-t-t is correct,’ he replied. ‘Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.’
Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward.
The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
I’ve had a good day when I don’t fall out of the cart.
Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you?
I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing:
1. Keep your head down.
2. Follow through.
3. Be born with money.
Two of my young buddies, Mark and Ron called and said they wanted to play golf on Sunday morning. All three of us knew it would take some special manoeuvring to convince our ladies to let us do it but we all agreed to try.
On Sunday morning everyone arrived at the course at 7:00AM.
Mark said, “I had to take my lady out to dinner to get here guys.”
Ron said, “That’s nothing. I had to endure dinner and the opera to get out here today and the opera lasted four hours!!!”
I said, “Youth is wasted on the young. I didn’t have to do anything to get here.”
Mark and Ron were amazed.
Mark said, “Tell us your secret.”
I said, “It was easy, when I got up this morning, at 6:00AM, I looked my wife straight in the eye and asked, “Golf course or intercourse?”
She threw me a sweater and said, “Take this, it might get chilly out there!”
Father Phelan was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course. It was an obsession.
It was 4:00AM on Sunday morning and it looked like it would be a picture-perfect day for golf. The sun was rising, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was pleasant and rising. The good Father couldn’t resist. He called a Parish assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not say Mass, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where he felt no one would know him. He was first there and first out by himself, another good break.
Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching Father Phelan and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said, “Have a look at Father Phelan. He should be punished for what he is doing.”
God nodded in agreement.
After a double on the first hole, the good Father teed up on the second. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 260 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”
God smiled. “I did. Think about it; who can he tell?”
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?
George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?
18 REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX
18 You don’t have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
17 If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
16 The Ten Commandments don’t say anything about golf.
15 If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.
14 Your golf partner won’t keep asking questions about other partners you’ve golfed with.
13 It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
12 When you see a really good golfer, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
11 If your regular golf partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you golf with someone else.
10 Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
9 When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8 You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
7 You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
6 There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
5 If you want to watch golf on television, you don’t have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
4 Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
3 Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
2 You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
1 Your golf partner will never say, “What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?”
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT IN GOLF AREN’T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn’t:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!