A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So the next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body”, he did not say, “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.”
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Joy
•15 years ago
OMG, that is hilarious!!!
donstuff
•15 years ago
I think I attended that mass with a friend.
Funny stuff.
SanityFound
•15 years ago
Glad you both enjoyed lol
lmao @ donstuff
glaize
•15 years ago
Wow! If I had attended I wouldn’t be in the fronts nor with the choir. I’d be the first to head for the exit for a good, breakfast laugh…mmm yeah!
SanityFound
•15 years ago
I couldn’t agree more, I’d be right along with ya!