In all honesty some or perhaps most feel like this at work at some point unless they are fortunate to have found a company that actually cares about it’s employees. A rare thing I find. Probably one of the biggest reasons (that and office politics which I have no time for) why I left the cozy confines of the 9-5 lifestyle and took my self on the road of discovery and adventure.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors (in writing) must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation’s or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Human Resources Department
Nikhil
•15 years ago
Remind me never to approach you for an HR interview! 😀
Actually, the second point u mention, the one about organs, is actually being practiced. Suppose I remove my appendix while being an employee, and then sometime later, I meet with an accident, the company’s insurance policy does not cover me because of my operation! Not my company, of course! I don’t wanna name names…! 😀
SanityFound
•15 years ago
Jeepers you HAVE to be kidding!!!
Yers erm we shan’t say what sector I have most of my experience in… lmao
deepsm25
•15 years ago
LOL…loved this one :
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Hehehe…Wish I cld tell my employees the same 😛
A broad
•15 years ago
These are pretty much the employment rules I have to work under! 😉 I am employed by my kids 🙂 and I think they think I am superwoman! I am happy to oblige though…
SanityFound
•15 years ago
Deeps I seriously feel sorry for your employees, all those souls that work under you, I pray for them now.
A broad think its time to renegotiate with the other crime partner… more Bon Jovi and less mould! eeeek lol Darl you have had me in stitches phew
A broad
•15 years ago
Always up for more Bon Jovi!
SanityFound
•15 years ago
Lol
You go to that concert at Green Point?
A broad
•15 years ago
If you are talking about the one about 12 years ago then YES! Bought Hubby and I tickets for our anniversary and he pretended to be sick so that he did not have to go with his wife. That did not stop me…went anyway without him…I think I see a post in there somewhere!
SanityFound
•15 years ago
Hubby a scared of enjoying proper music? Sheesh am shocked best get him some culture!!! I await the post it sounds like a goodie!
He Did What???? « A-Broader View
•15 years ago
[…] Did What???? So while commenting on Sanity Found’s blog, the topic of Bon Jovi came up. Then I was asked if I went to see them at Green Point […]