BE POLITICALLY CORRECT WITH WOMEN

• She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE – She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
• She is not a BAD COOK – She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
• She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY – She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
• She is not CONCEITED – She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
• She does not want to be MARRIED – She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
• She does not GAIN WEIGHT – She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
• She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
• She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
• She is not TOO SKINNY – She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
• She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE – She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE
• She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS – She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.
• She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
• She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME – She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.
• She does not GO SHOPPING – She is MALL FLUENT.
• She is not an AIR HEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
• She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
• She does not get FAT or CHUBBY – She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.
• She is not COLD or FRIGID – She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.
• She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP – She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.
• She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

BE POLITICALLY CORRECT WITH MEN

• He does not have a FAT BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
• He is not a CRAP DANCER – He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
• He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
• He does not SLEEP AROUND – He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.
  He is not BALDING – He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
• He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER – He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
• He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK – He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
• He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.
• He is not afraid of COMMITMENT – He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
• He does not STINK – He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.
• He is not a GROPING PERVERT – He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.
• He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS – He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.
• He does not IGNORE YOU – He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.
• He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB – He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.
• He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES – He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.
• He does not act like a TOTAL ASS – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.