God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends

My Mother Is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips

I Used to Be Schizophrenic, but We’re OK Now

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Did a Little Shopping

What If the Hokey Pokey IS Really What It’s All About?

Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some Things Are Just Better Rich

Liberal Arts Major..Will Think for Food

Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would the Queen

Gravity…It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law

If You Want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, Closed

In Dog Years, I’m Dead

Love May Be Blind, But Marriage Is a Real Eye Opener

If at First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t for You

I’m Going to Graduate on Time, No Matter How Long It Takes

Anything Not Worth Doing Is Not Worth Doing Well

A Day Without Sunshine is Like Night

First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order

Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You
Take

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

God must love stupid people…He made SO many.

God is my copilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an
amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her …or something
like that

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t reelect them!

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

I don’t have a license to kill, but I do have a learner’s permit.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you.
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you’re built upside down.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

There are 3 kinds of people. Those who can count and those who
can’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

In case of fire, yell “FIRE”!

He who hesitates is constipated.

Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.

Smile! It makes people wonder what you’ve been up to.

Reality is for people who can’t face science fiction.

Friction is a drag.

Blame Saint Andreas – It’s all his fault.

I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your
right to tell such LIES!

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Atheism is a non-prophit organization.

Alex Haley was adopted!

If I want your opinion, I’l give it to you.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.

He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your
own form of misery.

Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.

Prunes give you a run for your money.

Drilling for oil is boring.

Old frogs never die, but they do croak!

I intend to leave this world the way I came in.
Naked, screaming and covered in blood.

LOVE: Two vowels, two cosonants, two fools.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

The sex was so good, the neighbors had a cigarette.

If you smoke after sex, your doing it to fast.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

Born free…taxed to death.

The more people I meet the more I like my dog.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen
hammer.

There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.