Yesterday a friend of mine and I headed over to Bojinx’s neighbourhood for a Show and some drinks, stayed the night and laughed hard (Jinx I accept bribes for some of those photos rofl!).
The thing about her neighbourhood though is that it is the one that I grew up in, it’s the place where I hold so many memories of what happened. Today she took me down my old road, drove past the house where I used to sit quietly on the roof at night praying to God to put an end to it and save us, where I spoke to my angels.
It was surreal in a sense seeing it once more, I saw him standing in the garden as we drove past, I know it wasn’t him, I know that it was within my mind but I felt nothing but abstract fascination. I expected to have the shakes start in my knees and hands, I expected that old heartbeat rush, I expected but it never came to fruitarian. This said it didn’t stop the memories flooding my mind, it didn’t stop my senses going on high alert or the smells from returning.
I have visited the “scene” a couple of times before and each time I had a physical and sensory overload coupled with severe flashback attacks. The last time I drove past that house I had a physical reaction, I lost all speech capabilities for over two hours, I was a zombie that shook fighting off flashback attacks, the smells, the feelings, the sights.
Today was the first time that I can say that I am over my past, it’s there for when I want to re look at the lessons, it’s there as a reminder of what I never want once more, it’s there but it doesn’t hurt me anymore.
Sometimes it’s good to go physically to the scene of the crimes against you, it’s good to just look and see it for what it is. Revisiting the past is the surest way to know how far you have come, to know that you are either over something or not quite yet. Perhaps I am insane for saying this, perhaps the Pro’s will say that it is ridiculous or pointless, it works for me, I always use the physical point as a compass to my progress.
Today I am introspective for the milestone is a very big one, those times have haunted me for close on three decades… it’s reign over me is over but will never be forgotten.
Another one bites the dust!