Ah I just love the Irish nation, one of the most friendlist I have ever had the luck of coming into contact with. Leaving London with all the sad faces and touching down in Dublin, the first face you see is smiling and laughing and the symbology is not lost… Flew over for two days for interviews which went extremely well, never before was I invited to go partying with the person interviewing me!
Thursday night I found myself alone in a city I had only been to for a short weekend once before, the rythym of the city hit me like a tidle wave and I headed out with my camera (albeit no tripod) and such peace filled my soul that I could never explain the trueness of it. The time away from it all was good for my soul, realising some truths of those in my life and the negative effect that I have had on them, how by my own determinedness of wanting to move to England have quite possibly wrecked the closest relationships in my life cleared my head. Some decisions were made, I need to get back to my true independence… yip you heard right… its time to be independent emotionally, financially, in every way. I hate depending on anyone and perhaps trust comes in to this because that is something that I don’t do easily either. Know it sounds probably quite imature or even just plain childish but trust for me needs to be earned (maybe I just expect too much from those in my life?)… but ten to one just when I start trusting people they break my heart. It is perhaps a pattern within me or a pattern in the people I love (still working that one out maybe its a bit of both). This said I never seem to learn, I always fall and end up trusting people, loving them unconditionally only to find that they are just like everyone else.
So this is where my independence comes in – I don’t want the things that other people do against me to affect me, I don’t want to feel the hurt that comes my way… I am tired of it and hence this is one of my life goals now.
Don’t get me wrong, I am feeling positive but the complexities of life overwhelm me at times, it is never simple, things are never as they seem… perhaps I have made a mistake in doing what I have done, perhaps my life’s path is not what I think it is nor what I hope it is … only time will tell now … and as ever what will be will be…
15 years ago
There isnt much one could say to that…. its more a reflection of where you are right now. I think thats a good place. I know its a scary and unfamiliar place. But that doesnt make it bad. Hang in there sweetie.