I seem to be having many adventures with this pooch, cute as can be but he  is strong like bull and, well, he is by nature a sleigh dog so you can just imagine.

Yesterday he decided to chuck all his toys off the side of our patio/veranda/stoop which borders a nice thick lemon tree and other bushy plants.  The house owners originally planted these bush/tree/monsters so that I wouldn’t fall off.  Those who follow this blog know that I am prone to such strange happenings.  Needless to say I did not fall off, no, I decided to crawl off instead.

So I got on to my stomach and did my best Army/Police Academy crawl off the patio just missing the branches (they were trying to attack me).  The gap is small and I am a big human.  As I start over the edge what does pooch decide to do? Yip you got it, he decided that I was playing with him and thought that my butt was the target, he bit down nice and hard.  Listen, it wasn’t as if I was purposefully shaking it about saying “bite me bite me”, it wobbles ALL on its own!

Naturally my reaction was to yelp and jerk away from him. Let me just say jerking away from a playful biting ass dog just under a thorny lemon tree is not recommended.  A mouthful of leaves and twigs later I reach solid ground once more.  I spat out the foliage and continued on my mission, retrieved the toys with a sense of accomplishment and returned to the gap to climb back through.

So here is where it gets interesting.  Yip, the pooch again.

Pooch was obviously worried for my safety and when I appeared once more in the “crack” between the bushes and the patio he got so excited that he gave me a big fat lick on my chops.  Normally I would not get a fright but what you must understand is that I was in the process  of pulling moves that would amaze world champion gymnasts!

The fright of the lick sent me spiraling backwards impaling myself on the  lemon tree.  The lemon tree was so excited to see me that it then decided to attack me with its thorny talons!  A normal person would possibly be calm once they find themselves in the monsters grip but no, not me, I jerk breaking off it’s talons of thorns in my head.

Hearing a new language flow from my mouth the pooch now gets really worried and desperate.  He starts tugging me and doing his rescue thang by pulling me up and away from the monster lemon tree.  He obviously had a bad reaction to seeing me impaled and the whole rescue effort on his part sent him off the deep end.  He proceeded to see if I was ok by both licking me and biting down on my ankles and arms to make sure that they weren’t broken (or something).

Eventually free of both the pooch and the monster tree I sit down once more with a cup of coffee and the faint smell of lemons.  When I put my fingers on my scalp I started cursing the fact that I did not have the treasure map.  each time I put my hands though my hair I found another thorn embedded.  That THING had quite literally stabbed me laving proof.

So far I have found 6 embedded thorns, finished half a tub of that cream that pulls them out and a sheepish looking grin.

This is the secret of how I was attacked by the lemon tree monster and survived.  Let it try and attack me again and I’ll show it who’s boss!

No I can’t ask someone to pull the thorns out because

a) They will want to attack me with needles

b) They have needles

c) I know they will want to use needles

d) I have the thickest head of hair you probably have ever seen, it aint happening.

As for the bruise on my butt, well lets just say its a good thing no one see’s me without attire because it looks mighty odd and would most definitely bring about the most interesting of questions.

Holey heads with bruised butts, a day in the life of an adventurer!

… because I can’t get it out of my head since yesterday I now present to you Lemon Tree by Fools Garden… poetic yes?

I’m sitting here in the boring room
It’s just another rainy Sunday afternoon
I’m wasting my time
I got nothing to do
I’m hanging around
I’m waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder

I’m driving around in my car
I’m driving too fast
I’m driving too far
I’d like to change my point of view
I feel so lonely
I’m waiting for you
But nothing ever happens and I wonder
I wonder how
I wonder why

Yesterday you told me ’bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree
I’m turning my head up and down
I’m turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree

I’m sitting here
I miss the power
I’d like to go out taking a shower
But there’s a heavy cloud inside my head
I feel so tired
Put myself into bed
Well, nothing ever happens and I wonder

Isolation is not good for me
Isolation I don’t want to sit on the lemon-tree

I’m steppin’ around in the desert of joy
Baby anyhow I’ll get another toy
And everything will happen and you wonder
I wonder how
I wonder why

Yesterday you told me ’bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just another lemon-tree
I’m turning my head up and down
I’m turning turning turning turning turning around
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon-tree

And I wonder, wonder
I wonder how
I wonder why
Yesterday you told me ’bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see, and all that I can see, and all that I can see
Is just a yellow lemon-tree