No this is not Jerry Springer nor is it manufactured for the benefit of anyone, its a hard cold fact to swallow, but I almost died by my own hands and yes I really am grateful and happy that I didn’t succeed. Suicide is a real problem, this post is not an easy one to write nor read.
Suicide has been around for eons, since the beginning of times, it is not a new phenomena but rather ancient practice. Some used (and still do) to do it as a sacrifice for their Gods, others because they’d rather die by their own hands than be killed in war and then finally those who just can’t face another day breathing.
A conversation I have heard many times before:
Person 1: “So and so is just looking for attention, they told me today that they can’t face living anymore, how pathetic!”
Person 2: “Phew, so what did you tell them?”
Person 1: “I told them of course to get a life, stop moping around and to deal deal with it”
Person 2: “Good for you, you don’t need someone like that pulling you down”
Anything strike you as scary in that conversation?
When you are so low, I am talking lower than low, further than darkest of hell, you reach out for one last time. The night before, you find yourself sitting on your bed writing that letter, or worse yet, with the very thing you are going to use to kill yourself. What happens next is the continuation of internal dialogue ending up with you deciding to give it one more chance. You reach out to someone whom you love, you reach out hoping to get some help, for someone to take you in their arms and tell you that you are worth something to them.
Sound strange? No, you have to take into effect where that person is, where they are, each person has a different story. In every person who thinks about killing themselves there are commonalities, there are core emotions and feelings in each and every one. The circumstances may differ, there may be other emotions involved but the cores stay the same.
So what do we feel?
Helpless beyond reasonable doubt, we feel that there is absolutely nothing that we can do to change the situation we find ourselves in, we feel that it is all pointless. Generally we have tried, only to get stone walled or cut short before we succeed, the first, second, third or hundredth hurdle just seems too much, we are helpless. If the world seems to have given up on you how can you believe that you are capable or that anyone would spare the time to help you…
Hopeless doesn’t cover it,but that is what it is, we feel without hope for the now and the future. We feel that no matter what we do it won’t succeed, we feel that the world has given up hope in us so therefore we are hopeless. We feel that everything is pointless, why bother trying when there is no hope…
Unworthy and a waste of space, we feel that there must be a reason why the world can’t stand us, why we are so alone in our thoughts and our feelings, why we can’t relate to anyone, we feel worthless. We try to prove our worth only to get trampled on time and time again, people continually breaking us down. It all makes us think that in reality we would be doing the world a favour by getting “rid” of ourselves. We are a waste of fresh air, let them have it if they want it so bad…
Useless at everything we do, no matter how hard we try we seem to always fail, no matter what it is, it always seems to not meet others view of perfection. Time and time again we are told that we should try harder, we should do things differently, that we have failed either them or at the thing we are trying so hard to do, that what we are doing is wrong, wrong, wrong… There comes a time when we start believing and then “realise” that perhaps were right all along, that we are useless, a waste of space…
Unloved and meaningless to everyone that in the natural order should love you. Parents, family and so called friends seem to abandon you when all of the above are applied. You start to feel all alone in the world, born to be alone for eternity, no one cares, no one ever will. Life starts to look darker than dark, purest of black, how can anyone love someone so pathetic, worthless, hopeless, helpless and useless…
There are many different factors, these are just five of the main emotional themes that flood a person when they have reached the lowest of lows. They are reality, they are what they are. You may think it pathetic, by all means do, it just means you have amazing people in your life and that you have never been broken down so much that you got to that point. If you have amazing people in your life, thank them for they are a gift, imagine life without them, reverse their roles and play it out in your head. How would you feel if you are shown time and time again that people are just cruel, horrible, sadistic, uncaring, unloving and out for number one, what would you feel? How many times would it take you to believe that you are all of those things above if you are both told and shown continually?
I planned my suicide down to the last second, the details I will not give you nor the process, those that have been there know, but know this, it was clinically done and thorough. I wrote the letters to everyone that I had loved, I was ready, sitting on my bed with 30+ sleeping pills all neatly placed in my hand. Tears flowed down my cheeks and I said to myself “You are saving everyone else from yourself, you are doing them a favour, get on with it and save the world once and for all, God made a mistake bringing you into the world, you are now going to correct his gross mistake”.
I sat there for a long while just staring at the pills, three quarters of a bottle of whisky down my gullet, I was mellow, perhaps that is too light a term, I had courage like never before, I was ready. I put some pills in my mouth and swallowed them down, the taste of them made me almost throw up right there and then. I then reread the information pamphlet on what the pills would do if you overdosed, it brought me comfort to know that I would die in my sleep.
Suddenly I thought “What if my plans don’t go like I had planned, what if no one finds me and I rot in my flat for weeks”. The taste of the pills and the large amount of whiskey consumed suddenly clashed in my stomach and I threw everything up. All done, I sat once again on the bed, this time sans the pills in my hand. It was then that I decided to give it one more try, I was going to reach out to someone I did not know well and tell them I needed help, if they didn’t help me then I would finish the job. Please note that at this point I had told no one of my plans or that I had been thinking about it.
I sent a text message to a Therapist saying “I am in trouble, I need help, I am sending you this text so that I won’t do anything to myself, an emotional contract between you and me. That is all”. By sending that text message I had made an emotional contract, I now could not do it because I had promised someone else that I wouldn’t do it until I saw them, until I had given them a chance to speak to me. I was beyond shame, I didn’t care anymore what anyone thought, I was more than ready to end it, this was the last chance I would give the world.
No one knew that I was so low, no one knew the amount of times I had written those letters, no one knew that I had planned everything, no one knew because I had not told anyone, we rarely do. I didn’t want anyone to know because they would make a fuss, because they would seem fake in their kindness if they showed it, because I was beyond trusting their “love” for me, I just did not believe in humanity anymore.
The therapist phoned me on the Monday following the text message and she thanked me for keeping the contract, for speaking to her and for asking for help. Just by those words alone I felt some worth, hey she was a therapist and they’re paid to say those things but it made me feel like I had perhaps, just perhaps, done the right thing. A sliver of hope.
It was a long journey from there, it was scarier than scary at times. On my first meeting with her I didn’t care what she thought of me, I was beyond that, she asked me what led up to me wanting to kill myself and I told her. She validated the feelings I felt, she told me that she was surprised that I had lasted so long, she also told me that I had done the right thing by texting her. She then thanked me for being willing to give her a chance to prove that what I thought was not the case.
She proved me wrong, she showed me a different perspective and showed me how to deal with the people who had helped get me so low. She taught me and I learnt, I lived because she showed that she cared. It doesn’t matter that I paid her, no matter who the therapist is, they are still human and they still have the capacity to show care or to not, she did.
There are many different perspectives to suicidal thoughts, there are many different scenarios that play out, it doesn’t change the cores.
Sometimes people will say “Well how about I just kill myself, save you the hassle of dealing with me” or “You know what, I just can’t take this shit anymore, I may as well just kill myself”. If it is said in anger or tears, it doesn’t change the fact that it has been said for it means that that person has thought about it, had to have in order for them to just spit it out. If and when that happens it means that one or more of the above cores are present, it means that there is a problem that needs to be addressed.
Suicidal thoughts are reality, they are ever present and human. Those who have them are not abnormal, rather they are more than normal, it means that there is a problem in the “local matrix”. If you think these thoughts it doesn’t make you pathetic, it doesn’t make you weak or subhuman, abnormal or an idiot, it means that you are human. So often we reach out to those that we love only to get our feelings and thoughts reflected back on us, only to have them confirmed.
By me texting someone anonymous I felt safe, safe from peoples scorn, from their pity, from their rage and confirmations – I was so low that I knew I couldn’t handle any more of that. Making an emotional contract with a faceless person saved my life, by opening up the yellow pages, looking at the names and trying to figure out which one sounded like the one for me, I am alive today.
That was not so long ago, I now not only see my worth but feel it as well, I see and recognise my talents for what they are, I recognise the fact that there are bad people in the world and that we do have a choice about who we let in to our lives and who we refuse. It was a long journey but I am grateful that I did it, I am grateful that I am alive today and that I didn’t succeed.
Some might say “Oh come on I am different, you might have been able to do it but I am beyond what you felt, I am beyond love, less worthy than an ant in the desert” You are wrong, very wrong, reach out to an anonymous person be it online or off, but someone you don’t know, someone that isn’t a causing factor and see for yourself.
If someone has ever said those words I mentioned above or hinted at the fact that they are thinking about it, even in jest, don’t take it lightly. Do research online to see how you may help that person, speak to a therapist yourself to get guidance, but more importantly show that you care and love, give the person a hug not a slap in the face.
If you know of someone who has committed suicide, know this. More often than not there is no warning, they kept it quiet and in their own world, they did not want sympathy nor did they want anyone to try and stop them. There are always many factors involved, never just the one. I never uttered a word to anyone about my plans nor what I was going to do, how or when.
There is a lot of guilt left behind in those that remain, the loved ones in the suicidal’s life, the pain caused by this single act runs deep and far. The saddest thing of all is that they aren’t alive to see just how much people really did love them.
Hug someone today, tell someone you love them for who they are not what they are. Cherish the people in your life and support them, don’t break them down.
Some of us never got that chance, we lost loved ones to suicide, take it from us, take it from me.
Love with your heart on your sleeve, you could be the one that makes a difference…
Sites that could help:
With this post there are rules for comments: NO sympathy, that is all I ask. The reason for no sympathy is for the fact that I am not one bit upset or sad that I got to the edge of the abyss, instead I am grateful, it taught me many things, it made me live more, breathe more, love more, be me more… and love me for me 😀